What do you do now?

I had an Irish test today on ‘An Bhean Óg’, which went surprisingly well. Despite the fact that I hadn’t learned either of the essays we were going to be getting, I managed to write two-and-three-quarter pages. School actually wasn’t too bad today.

My dad bought a new car the other day. Well new to him, 5 years old to the world. It’s pretty. One day, long in the future, after I’ve had the Polo, the Corsa, the Corolla and so on, I’d like to have a car like his, but in shiny black.

You know sometimes when you’ve got this feeling, but you can’t place it. Like you feel like there’s something you should be worrying about, or stressed about, or maybe even happy about, but you just can’t seem to remember what it is. Or like you’ve messed something up, but you can’t remember. I kind of have that feeling. In the negative way.

Maybe it’s just that I feel I should be starting my homework, but maybe it’s something more than that. Maybe I feel like I’ve disappointed someone in some way. Like I should have accepted their invitation and now I regret it. Sometimes I am so, so stupid.

I know I never appreciate people when I have them, and that I always want people when I can’t have them; always lusting after what I can’t have. What’s so much worse is when you had someone before, but didn’t want them, and let them go, but now you want them and you can’t have them.

Sometimes I just want to talk to someone. Who am I kidding, not someone, but that one. Him. I loved the chats we used to have. I told him so much, and he listened, he really did. He gave me advice, and made me smile every minute of every day. I know it’s not like that any more, but for that happiness he gave me, I am forever grateful.

Now, I worry about him. I always have. Not in a way that affects me every waking moment, but I know there’s something up with him at times. It makes me sad, because, beneath it all, he’s just a big softie who needs someone to love him. In ways, I wish so badly I could give him that, just give him a hug, or say something, or be someone, who makes his isolation go away.

It’s weird how much his name means to me. When I see it, it’s like it says so much. We talked about stuff I wouldn’t be blabbing about every day and it’s just…

Now that he’s gone, I don’t miss him. But I do cherish those memories I have, even if to others, they look like nothing.

But now, I need someone else. But until I find him, what do I do now?

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Filed under An Bhean Óg, anxious, feeling, Irish, love, new car, someone to talk to, stress, test results

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