Sometimes I regret it. I shouldn’t have used you like I did because it got all mixed up in my head. I wasn’t really using you, but it worked out in the end that I was because of the consequences.
If the aftermath had been different, then maybe it would have worked. I can’t say for sure. I wonder alot about the ‘what ifs’ and the coulds and might have beens.
I’m sorry if I hurt you, or just annoyed you, or made you hate me. Wait, no. That’s kind of selfish. If you hate me, then you’re entitled to do that. I can be a pretty mean person.
Aside from all of this, though, you made me realise some stuff. You don’t know this, but you did. And it more than likely isn’t something that you meant to do, but I know it’s something I had to learn at some point. So thanks. You were the catalyst. It’s something I knew I’d have to decide on sooner or later, and it just so happened that you were the one who cleared the fog from my vision.
I hate how it worked out. I don’t miss you, but I miss what I never got to know. Now I’m looking for another one of you, because I think I need someone like you. It was just bad timing. It always is though, isn’t it? You want what you can’t have, but then if you do get it you don’t want it, and then you lose it and you want it again. Maybe that law is just there so when you do get someone, and you’re happy and you never want to let go, that’s when you know it’s love? Not necessarily one’s soulmate, but someone you love. Wow I’m so weepy and emotional-sounding when I write it’s ridiculous.
Yeah that’s it.
(This is extremely over-exaggerated and I am now laughing.)
Ages since I blogged, obligatory excuse, blah blah.. Anyway, this won’t be of any interest to anyone but it’s just a little record for myself of how I spent the summer. If I don’t document it here, I won’t document it anywhere..
Exams over. School holidays. Meetings in Kinsale. Bandon Fest. Gatting in a B&B. Drunken debauchery. Chips on a wall. Joe from FRED. Stumbling home on the country roads. Mexican dinner. Goodbyes. New people. Coffee on the Boardwalk. Art exhibitions and harder goodbyes. Tears. Bad moods. Delayed buses. Annoying folk. Nice folk. Avoiding stalkers. Fáílte Ireland customer service course. Cork Midsummer Festival. Being a young curator. Plasticine. Lots of nice people. Creative discussion. Dubliiiin! Trains. Luas. Starbucks. The Irish Times. My own desk. Free shopping. Writing. Interviewing. Photo shoots. Posing. Coffee-making. Lunch-taking. Nice Tipperary taxi drivers. Treks around Dublin. The DART. Being a commuter. Blanch! Lovely cousins. Fun week. Happiness. Train home with funny people. Fifteen minutes of fame. Smelly tea. Not-so-good danishes. Harmonic at the Marquee. Seeing nice people. Lovely compliments. Hair being chopped off by 9-year-old kids. Late nights putting the book together. Fun in Civic Trust House. Choosing new people over old people. Escaping. Laughing. Keeping in touch on Facebook. People returning. Dinner parties of sorts. French films. Box office shifts. Fun 21sts. Roundabouts that look the same. Gatting on Skehard Road. Free drinks and tequila shits. Nice chats. Fun times. Proper camera. Snapping away. Kinsale-ing it up! KAW 2010. Official festival blogger. Our own apartment. Centre of town. Nights in the Folkhouse. Lots of music. Temperance Hall keys. Monies. Biddy. Alcohol. Complaining about the licensing laws. Meeting a future good friend. The world cup. The Guru in Hamlet’s. Buying just a toothbrush. Many, many KAW t-shirts. Bees and coffee accidents. Running away. Lots of fun. Being important. Up to the fort. Hypnotic. Dancing in the rain up on the cliff. Mad wans in Minis. More nights out. Lots of nice bands. Chatting to random folk. Locking up. Fun fun FUN in the Greyhound. Pouring a can into a glass. Drunken ramblings. Mornings after. Having the craic and the banter. Artist’s trails. Hangovers. Juice and a full Irish. Some tea. Boo eating a rasher. Last day. Pubbing. Clubbing. Partying. Fun people. Not a care in the world. Dancing to the reggae. Crashing in gaffs. Waking up. Realisation hitting. Panic. Freak-outs. Dealing with the consequences. Hungover tea. Horrific bus journeys. On a mission. Two-and-a-half day hangovers. How did this happen. Absolute craziness. A stronger person. Happier. Calming down a little. Guestlists. Contacts. Tribes and Reggie Watts and a lovely night all round. Family staying. Nice break. 18ths. BBQs. Gigs. Coffee. Three free gaff parties in four nights. Getting stuff piled on me. Crash and bang. Throwing hula hoops. Chats at daybreak. Parents and brother fly away. On my own. Cooking. Recipes. Wine. City living. Dublin again. Soccer matches. Fancy hotels. Shopping. Doing lunch. Cork again. Birthdays. Friend comes to stay. Vegan spelt pizza. Eating at midnight. Crazy party. Random people. Twenty eggs in one night. Rearranged furniture. Vom. Broken door. Cousins to the rescue. Culchie buses. Cleaning up. Recycling. Gusto and its fab food. Ctrl-Alt-Delete. The Vineyard. Fun. Laughing. Catching up. Chats over loud music. Exhilaration. Stamp attacks. Running away. Hanging with those folk. Rooftop beer gardens. €2 cans. Messy streets. Taxis. Not-too-happy friends. Feeling better than ever. BBQ in Kinsale. Wine. Chats. Shouting. Screaming. Crying. Leaving. Car parks. Trying to talk. Drunk. Returning. Pub. Thoughtful guys. Disaster. Important people. Pints of water. Embarrassment. Not so talkative guys. Talkative guys. Lookalikes. Night-time bus journeys. Mutual favourite band. Return of the mighty Plugd. Buzzing. Instores. Purchases. Banter. Lovely people. Town. Pub crawl. Other life. Free BBQ. DJ sets. Good choons. Excellent company. Mighty fun.
I loved it. I really did.