Tag Archives: thoughts

People, and how I miss them

This started out as a post entitled ‘Le Weekend’ and I was going to give a rough outline of my weekend, along with photos but I didn’t have it in me to write it.

All I can think about is how much I miss people. I had such a good weekend. Yesterday evening I was so, so happy, and now there’s all this shit on my mind and I can’t even make sense of what it is. I feel like I’m missing someone, like I’m growing apart, like I love someone. I don’t know.

I know who I miss. I saw two of them today. I saw another one of them on Wednesday.

The today people are so cool. So amazingly lovely and funny and the best. And it’s cool with them, except I don’t get to see them as often as I like. One of them never fails to make me smile. Ever. And we can talk for ages and I always feel so happy after. But I don’t get a chance for these chats as often anymore.

The other person, from Wednesday, I don’t even know anymore. I’m building it up to be something it’s not, but I can’t help it. Being away from the person is hard, and I’m over-thinking everything and I wish I could stop. It’s nothing. That’s the worst part. I know it’s nothing but I’m not acting that way.

But this is probably all just because I’m super tired seeing as I didn’t get to sleep til 5am this morning.

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L’amour..

This looks nice..

All I want is love.

I just want that feeling again. That utterly crazy, scary, happy, amazing feeling. I want to spend every day with that person and I want to feel like we’re made for each other.

It’s a pity dreams are dreams, and reality is reality.

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If Life Were A Film..

As well as all the lovely things that I’d have in life, like being ridiculously good looking and every day being abnormally eventful, I’d be falling in and out of love on a regular basis with fellow beautiful people.

A friend gave me the Gossip Girl box set, and despite it being a box set I had judged from the cover, I kinda fell in love with it. Yesterday, from about 2 o’clock until 11, only pausing briefly for dinner, I watched season one straight through. And it’s quite simply amazing. Watch it. I mean it.

It’s weird how addictive these things are. You are quite literally sucked into this world and it’s all you care about for a while. I am aware this is very, very bad, but who can blame me for wanting to escape for a little while? And if I can escape to Manhattan’s Upper East Side with the oh so beautiful Nate Archibald, then I think I’ll take the¬†opportunity.

It’s weird how TV shows and films can make you feel. It can sort of turn you into a different person, with different hopes and dreams, but it can make you realise things about yourself too. I think what affects me most is any theme of love. I can’t help it. Every couple, every love story, it just captures my mind and I want the couple to stay together so much, or want them to break up and go back to their ‘rightful’ partners.

And then I want it for myself. I want to feel that love that’s portrayed so vividly. But you have to ask yourself is this real? How do I know if I’ve experienced true love or not? Sometimes I genuinely think I do, but it’s hard to distinguish between friendship, lust and love when all three are in there somewhere. Surely you should be sure if you’ve been in love. And yeah, perhaps I have, but that’s not my point. When do you know he’s the one? And what does ‘the one’ even mean? It’s supposed to be that person who makes you feel like no other. But does marriage not get monotonous? I know it’s hard, but surely ‘the one’ should always make you feel like you did the first time you realised they were your other half..

I can see I’ve gone off on a tangent here. I know what I wanted to write about, but I can’t remember how I was going to link it to the title, but I guess I’ve raised some issues anyway.

If life were a film I could go up to that guy I don’t know and ask him out and he wouldn’t think I’m crazy and he’d be single. If life were a film I’d either be going out with that person, or else the best of friends. If life were a film that other person wouldn’t care. If life were a film alot of things would be different.

But we live in the real world. It’s not Wisteria Lane; it’s not Upper East Side; it’s not a remote desert island.

Everything that happens in completely and utterly real. Even if it’s false, it’s still real. There’s no script writer deciding your fate. It’s just you, other people, and the world.

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Thoughts about someone

Sometimes something goes wrong, or someone annoys you, and you don’t feel too happy. Nothing major, but you just feel like you need a hug and someone to talk to.

And there’s that person you want that hug from; that person you want to pour your soul out to. You want to sit there with them, their body next to yours, and feel happy again. You want them to hold you, and then magically everything will be ok again.

All at the same time, the thought of them hurts you inside, yet still makes you smile. There’s this raw emotion that you don’t feel about anyone else. It’s like love, but less, and more. You know who they are better than you know anything else, but you don’t know who they are to you.

Then why is it that you just keep on pushing them away?

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Sometimes people just annoy you

I’m not just being mean. I’m not having a bad day. I’m not trying to find something to rant about. I’m not holding any grudges. There are just some people who I find it hard to like.

The worst thing is that don’t even know why. For some reason, I just don’t like them. Plain and simple. Which is absolutely fine if you see them once a year. That sounds suspiciously like I’m referring to family, but I’m not. I mean, if you can avoid the person, then it hardly matters if you find them grossly irritating. It’s when the person is someone you see regularly, someone who others like, someone who you have to live with, someone who may even be a friend. (If anyone reading this knows me, I am not referring to a particular person there, but just various general situations.)

It’s awful, really awful, if someone annoying comes along and ruins your day. You may not be able to complain to others, and there may not be any specific reason, and that’s the worst about it. If it’s someone who is blatantly annoying or even abusive, then it’s fine, because you have a reason. But if it’s just some person who grates on your nerves for absolutely no reason. It’s like nature just meant it to be. It’s as though you’re both the same end of a magnet, repelling each other.

I don’t know how else to put it. Is it just me being irritable? Maybe, when I think about it, there are reasons why certain people annoy me. No-one annoys me for absolutely no reason. But the aspects of a person’s personality that annoy me don’t annoy others. Is it because, as people, we like and dislike different things? Or is it because some people are far more tolerant than others?

Some situations tend to increase tensions, especially Christmas with family. There’s always some stress surrounding the whole dinner and celebrations and whatnot. And if you’re stuck with relatives for days on end, any one of them who annoys you is going to annoy you even more, for the simple reason that you just can’t escape.

It can also happen within a group of friends, where two friends don’t get along for no apparent reason. It might be quite obvious, or perhaps not noticed at all, even by the person who is the ‘irritant’ so to speak. Just the ‘victim’, the person who is annoyed beyond belief, but who can they go crying to?

That’s just life folks, and you gotta deal with it.

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Change

I think it’s inevitable. Things, people, life never stay the same. It takes just one moment to make you realise all this, and that one moment can make you ridiculously happy or horribly sad and empty.

Maybe you’re dying for a change, for something different, or maybe change is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. There could be a balance of both. I think I’ve come to a stage where things can never be the same. As I get older, I have come to realise that life goes on, that people and situations change.

What I do now is only one stepping stone in life. Soon, everything will change and my days will be undoubtedly different. This scares me, but also excites me. Priorities change as you get older, as does the way you spend your time. People come and people go.

I think I’m ready for this change. I’m not sure why I’ve decided this right now. No, that’s a lie. I do know why, but I’m not writing it. This is something personal. I wish I wanted things to stay the same forever, and some days I really do. Some days this is ll I ever want and I’m the happiest person in the world.

But I think I’m moving on to a different way of thinking. The people could still remain, just in a different way. Maybe everyone will leave, and new people will come along. I haven’t got the faintest idea. All I know is that change has to happen or this current situation will become far too unhealthy. Maybe it already has.

Maybe she was right all along. When we thought she was wrong, she could have been way ahead of us all.

Perhaps everyone else is still happy. Perhaps they have what they want. Is it that I want something else. something more? Am I destined to break away, to find that independence I crave? Or it could just be a phase. I hope it is, but deep down I know this feeling will always be there, and try as I might to ignore it, it will always be in the way, until that day when I take a leap and reach for what I truly want.

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